"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
