I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize