whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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