Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
