Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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