I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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