No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
