Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
