The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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