found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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