I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So much rum. So many feels.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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