the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize