I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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