i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
