Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
