Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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