i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
