He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
