Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
