You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
