I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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