You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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