She went from zero to smokin in five shots
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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