if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
