After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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