The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize