I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
