thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
