im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
