Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
