I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
