Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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