DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
