I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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