woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
