Soap is not a condiment
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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