you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
