Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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