glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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