i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
