I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
