Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
