That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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