Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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