I got her a Nickelback box set.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
