i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
