i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
