Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
