then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
