i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
