I wish I only lived at night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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