I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
