She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
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