Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
