Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
