I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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