My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she told me i tasted like america
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
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