i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
