u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You dont lie about slip and slides
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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