A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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