She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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