tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
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