I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
