My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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