he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
