I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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