ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
