you're like a bully in the Christmas story
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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