They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
