I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
