Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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